By Gage Rabideaux

*This piece is entirely satirical and does not intend to offend our audience.*

February is the most pitiful month of the year. On top of having a pathetic and cowardly 28 days, February mocks those who have yet to find a significant other. Valentine’s Day is without a doubt one of the most monumental mistakes ever conjured up by mankind. The saccharine hearts and flowers sicken even proud souls to their very core. But despite February being the scummiest of 12 months, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be the disgusting day it normally is. Just follow this guide and your Valentine’s Day will be much less vile.

Crying is a fun activity that many singles already take part in. But with a little creativity, crying can be much more enjoyable. One fun tip is to find different places to cry, such as basically anywhere that’s within earshot of a smooching couple. The second they realize how nasty they are, crying becomes fun and purposeful. Seek out the happy couples and ensure they’re as miserable as possible. Another way to spice up your cry-game is to see how long you can cry. Once the tears start to flow, start a timer and try to beat your previous time. Ensure you stay appropriately hydrated; you can’t cry if you run out of tears!

If you’re too proud to admit that you have yet to find a significant other, you don’t have to! You can always lie to your friends and family and create an absurdly complicated scheme to make them think you’re not single. Consider the following ideas: write love letters to yourself, ship flowers to yourself, make up a shamelessly detailed and vivid story about a date you had recently and take pictures of a random cute person over an extended period of time while saying they’re your partner. The sky is the limit, so don’t be afraid to push the barriers of human decency until you trick your friends and family.

This delicious sweet was made for lovers to exchange on Valentine’s Day, but after Feb. 14, all the yummy candy will be on sale for dirt cheap. Once that magical day arrives, it can easily be yours. Simply drive down to the nearest grocery store, scope out the Valentine’s Day displays, and find the biggest, most sickeningly syrupy sweets in stock. Then proceed to buy the entire display and drive back home. Eat the display and swiftly fall unconscious. Once you’re out, you won’t have to worry about catching a lousy romantic comedy on television to remind you of how lonely you are.

You’re a strong, independent woman/man who don’t need no man/woman. I’m surprised you’re not breaking hearts left and right. You’re so beautiful, queen! You slay! Stop wondering if you’re good enough for them, ask if they’re good enough for YOU! You’ve got to find somebody who will treat you RIGHT. So be patient, stop looking and someone will come to you.
Art by Gage Rabideaux